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I figure that, since I've been absent for a while {again}, that I should clarify what's going on in my neck of the woods. For the past few weeks, I've been a lot busier with my writing classes. And well, I tend to forget about checking in once a while.

So in short; I'm not dead. I'm just really busy.
Here is my latest creation; Power Rangers Chimera Force. 

Story: In the near future, genetic engineering has allowed for many wonders. Not only has it resulted in reviving animals that were thought to be extinct, but it has also resulted in improving the human condition. But all is not well in this brave new world. A terrorist organisation known as E.D.E.N seeks to 'improve' the gene pool by force. Launching several attacks on major population centres, their goal is to cull the weaker elements of humanity so that the strong survive. In response, Professor Moreau, a brilliant scientist who defected from E.D.E.N, has developed the Chimera Project; seven belts that, when activated, can transform the user into a Chimera. Left with no other option, Moreau picks seven high school students to bond with these belts and put a stop to E.D.E.N's nefarious scheme.

Link Here: sta.sh/2d5v2671wui?edit=1
I have been tagged by a certain Enterprise-captaining Tarantula, :icongalvantula866: to do one of these tagging posts. 

Rules:
1. You must post these rules
2. Each person has to share 10 facts about themselves
3. Answer the 10 questions asked by the person who tagged you and make up 10 questions for the 10 you tag
4. Choose 10 people and get their icon in your journal 
5. You have to legitimately tag 10 people
6. No tag-backs!
7. You can't say that you don't do tag

To answer your questions payton...

1: Do you have a PS4 or a XBox1? PS4.
2: Do you prefer hot or cold? Neither, I hate extremes.
3: Do you hate the ads that lag DevinatART? With a burning passion.
4: Favorite Mega level Digimon? Probably WarGreymon.
5: How do you feel about Regular Show getting canceled? Eh. Had a good run.
6: Have you ever watched Drawn Together? If so what did you think of it? Overrated tripe.
7: What do you think about me? You're a fascinating sort with interesting opinions that I often agree with.
8: Your least favorite anime as well as your most favourite? Favourite anime is Ginga Nagareboshi Gin, least favourite is Venus Wars.
9: If you could replace Teen Titans Go with anything, which would it be? Either a Zootopia animated series, or a second season of Thundercats 2011.
10: How often do you read things aloud? It kind of happens. 

Now then my questions to my tags:

1: Any video game properties you'd like to revive?
2: What is your favourite Monty Python sketch?
3: Do you have that movie you dream about? If so, what's it about?
4: Favourite Video Game Level.
5: How do you feel about remakes?
6: Is Steve Buscemi a National Treasure?
7: Who would you vote for President of Earth, Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellen or Weird Al? 
8: Your least favourite scene in your favourite movie?
9: If you were in control of your own TV Network, what programs would you run on it?
10: What is the air speed velocity of a Swallow?

I now tag: :iconslycooper11: :iconendorthedarkthief: :iconrandomdc3: :iconempyronaut: 
This is dedicated to Keith Olbermann, as I tackle everyone's favourite Banana Republican; Onion.

Greg, listen here. This is what we lowly peons think. We believe you suck. We believe that you have contributed to the coarsening of discussion on internet about the topics of feminism, racial equality, LGBT issues and humanitarian rights. Because the only way you can get sexual pleasure is by crying in the shower whilst wanking in front of a picture of yourself wearing a wig. We believe your fixation on screaming at the camera instead of providing an actual argument have lessened any serious discussion about any topic plaguing the Western World, since you seem to confuse dancing around in a cheap banana costume for being a comedian. We believe that you use ad hominem attacks, intimidation and lies to distract everyone from the fact that you are a sociopath who doesn’t care about anyone except yourself. We believe you only hide behind the cause of feminism to distract everyone else from your extensive history of treating your girlfriends and ex-wife like a battered dishtowel, and than expect everyone to treat you as the next George Carlin. All the while influencing gullible people into thinking that you give a shit about them, when really you’re doing it for the attention, treating issues like gender equality or racism like a get-out-of-jail-free card. And than when people call you out, you fall back on being a comedian. Which, as long as we’re redefining words, apparently means ‘smearing paint all over your face and screaming like a spastic hyena whilst saying nothing even remotely intelligible.’ We believe that the day you stop making videos, even if you’re replaced by a hack writer from Buzzfeed, the collective level of intelligence for humanity will increase by one point simply because you shut up. All the while, the rest of humanity capable of accessing the internet are divided into three camps; those of us who hate you, those of us who are laughing at you, and those of us who continue on with our day not knowing who the hell you are.

And here's the original video for comparison.
Here are my political viewpoints.

I support Gamergate and #NotYourShield. Journalistic integrity should be of paramount importance, regardless of the topic. 

I am an Egalitarian, a Womens' Rights Advocate and a Mens' Rights Advocate. If you treat me with respect, I shall treat you with respect. I treat those based on the content of their character. Not on the colour of their skin, their sexual orientation, or their gender. 

I find the concept of the 'Friendzone' to be idiotic. Just because someone doesn't want to pursue a romantic relationship with someone else does not necessarily mean being labelled as a friend is somehow less important than being accepted as husband material. If anything, friendship should be treasured. There's nothing wrong with treating someone as a friend if you still like that person.  

And that's it. Can we play video games now?
And here I thought this series couldn't sink any lower....they pull this shit. 

www.funnyjunk.com/Teen+titans+…!

No, you are not reading that wrong. This episode is another 'fuck the critics' episode...with a Make A Wish Foundation child playing the Teen Titans' biggest fan. Whose name is Wally T. Which is also the name of the episode. Wally T is a real child who has a terminal illness. They quite literally used a dying child to shield themselves from criticism.

You know, it takes a special kind of series to get on my bad side. Say what you want about Ninninger, but at least they didn't have a Make-A-Wish child feature in one of their episodes as a gimmick. And at least when the Chasers made fun of Make-A-Wish, they apologised. But when your Number 1 show resorts to using a dying child as a shield, that is the point of no return for me. The point where everyone; actors, writers, directors, staff, etc; should have known better. And they didn't. If they genuinely cared about the kid, than they would not have put him in this specific episode. And that's what angers me the most. It's the context of why Wally is even here. And the fact that our heroes are manipulating a child into giving them an ego-boost is sickening to say the least. I can't laugh at any of the jokes, because they all revolve around that concept. When Slade did something like this to Terra, it was supposed to be viewed as deplorable. What is the message supposed to be, here? And the worst part of all this? I honestly feel sorry for the kid, because I know it's his biggest dream, and this episode is not his fault. It's cheap manipulation, and it's a middle finger towards anyone with a shred of goddamn decency.

So, to sum up, I present you with the immortal words of Quagmire. Rewritten at Teen Titans Go's expense. 

"You are everything wrong with Television. It's bad enough that the people behind you never even watched the original show, which supposedly inspired you. The fans waited long for a continuation to the original, and this is how you repay them? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over the original characters without even understanding what made them important in the first place. And whenever someone criticises your show, you always say "Oh, I'll fix those issues later," but later never comes. And what really bothers me, is you can't even do humour right. Throwing pointless references for the sake of having them, and than carrying on like you're the next Samurai Pizza Cats. God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're better than every other show out there, even though you're terrible. Especially how you treat characters like Slade, which you use as a cheap ploy to stand on a soapbox and moan. And I think what I hate most about you is your lack of any ethics. Nothing's too low for you; false advertising, insulting fans of the original series, insulting good taste in general, using your audience as an excuse to slag out other shows, without an iota of self-awareness. Oh wait! Apparently you do know the show sucks, but you don't care because "cartoons are for kids!" Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You can't even carry a consistent plot for more than five minutes, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a spinoff! How's that Sock Puppet wizard of yours, anyway? Boy, didn't he amount to anything? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't so utterly smug! That's the worst of it. You're just a smug, sad, delusional waste of time."
I'll be away tomorrow and the next day. On a road trip. 
Let's get this out of the way right now; I hate Dairanger. Specifically, I hate the overall plot. And for years, I haven't been quite able to put my finger on why. Now I have. My biggest problem with this series is surprisingly the main villain. Shadam. Shadam is perhaps the most inept main antagonist in the history of fiction. Let me count the ways.

Point 1; Despite him saying that only a child of both the Human and Gorma can defeat him, he thinks marrying Kou's mother and letting her have his children was a good idea. And to top it all off, he lets his other son become his superior, even when it's clear they hate each other. Why? And it's not like he didn't know about the prophecy; it was well within his power to prevent. He could've killed Kou's mother at any time. And he didn't love her that much, so why keep her around? This plothole could've easily been sold if he had just kept his creepy clay Johnson in his pants.

Point 2: His plan is utterly moronic. In concept, it's not too bad. Kill all the members of the Gorma and than replace them with duplicates subservient to you? Sounds good. That is until he reinstates himself as only a minor general, and lets the other Gorma duplicates basically boss him around, including the Emperor. And creates a duplicate of himself. And he gives those duplicates basically the same memories as their counterparts, thus throwing a wrench into the works if either one of his duplicates decides to overthrow him. And, to top it all off, he lets one of the original Generals run free to possibly foil his plan at any time. That's not being clever, that's being utterly moronic. And I could buy that if the series painted him as an overly proud dictator blind to his own faults. But no! They paint him as a devious mastermind who can baffle both his allies and his enemies. In truth, he comes off as being utterly asinine. And you know it's bad when Superman: At Earth's End has a more logical villain plan than this guy.

Point 3: Even if those two points were addressed, it wouldn't work because of one little detail; The Heavenly Dragon. Sweet christmas was the Heavenly Neutral Dragon a fucking stupid concept. At what point did the writer ask himself 'Hey! There's a lot of intrigue between these two different sides warring over the fate of humanity. How can I fuck that up? By introducing an indecisive gazillion-foot tall dragon that does nothing except cause more damage than it tries to prevent, and the only way to stop said destruction is for both sides to pack it in. Brilliant!' You know it's bad when this thing was better used in Power Rangers as Lord Zedd's RV with faulty batteries.

Point 4: I could accept those three flaws as just minor gripes, except for one little caveat. He actually comes close to winning. Yeah, not joking. When the Gorma get their arses handed to them by Kou and the Dairangers, Shadam comes out on top going 'Mwuahahaha! I am so smart and victorious!'. To the point that he makes himself Emperor. Let me repeat that. Shadam, the guy responsible for creating Kou. The guy who thought creating sentient clay duplicates of the generals he killed. The guy whose plans are so fundamentally flawed that even Twin Clones of Hitler sounds like a logical step to make. He becomes Emperor prior to the finale. After his plans had been repeatedly foiled, even by his own creations. There's creating a machiavellian schemer who plays everyone for fools, and than there's making everyone else look brain-dead after they get beaten by a man so utterly incompetent that he ends up creating his own arch-enemy. This is just stupid.

I would talk about how the show seems to worship the ground Ryou walks on, or the absolutely asinine decisions Rin makes on a daily basis, or even how utterly pointless Ryou's father being Not-Darth Vader was to the overall plot. Or lack, thereof. 
Here is my Honest Trailer for the controversial Power/Rangers Bootleg Movie. 

This Trailer is rated H for Honest.

From the director who made Tom Jane’s Punisher look like a down-to-earth badass and the movie that made Five Nights At Freddy’s look dignified, comes the ultimate grim dark reboot slash parody of a beloved children’s TV franchise….that nobody seemed to realise was even a parody to begin with until the Director outright said it. 

Power/Rangers.

In a generic grimdark future, humanity has been enslaved by lens flares and cheap CGI. And the Power Rangers are disbanded. Meet Rocky; a grumpy traitor who sold out the Rangers to the Machine Empire. Despite the Machine Empire having not appeared since Zeo, and will not appear at any point in the movie despite apparently being responsible for all this futuristic tech and enslaving humanity. He’s interrogating Kimberly for information about the Green Ranger, which forms the framing device for the movie. All the while showing animosity towards a comrade he fought alongside with on many occasions, even though at no point did he show any signs of rebelliousness beyond dancing around like he’s on cocaine. 

Watch as the original five Rangers are given the grim and gritty makeover…and are than killed one by one in pointless ways. Including Jason, who marries Kimberly only to be gunned down by…Bulk and Skull? What? Scratch your head in confusion as this unofficially made parody seems to be so utterly detached from humanity or heart, that the genuinely funny scenes featuring the Black Ranger stick out like a sore thumb in what’s essentially the wet dreams of a depressed Emo’s fanfic. Seriously, could the whole movie be about this guy? I actually like him.

So as Saban Brands and Lionsgate prepare their cinematic vision for a new Power Rangers movie, get ready for a movie that’s fourteen minutes long. Yet somehow feels even longer when you have to pause every five seconds and ask ‘Wait, what?’. Why are the Rangers using machine guns when holograms and blade blasters exist? Who killed Kimberly? How come Rocky didn’t realise that the Ranger he was interrogating wasn’t the real Kimberly? Why do the helmets not resemble Dinosaurs, even when they got the diamond patterns right? Why was Rocky a Ranger, yet Aisha and Adam are nowhere to be seen? Why does Tommy still have the Green Ranger powers, even when the Machine Empire have already won? Why is Rita going around looking for Tommy when the planet’s swarming with Machines? Oh, who cares. Here’s Zack kicking the shit out of some Korean criminals. Aww yeah! Wait, wasn’t this based on a kid’s show about fighting monsters?

Starring: ‘My hair gets all tangled up inside this helmet’. ‘All work and no play makes Rocky turn evil’. Guy who appears for five seconds, only to get gunned down. Cletus and Earl. Hip-Hopakido. Tony Stark. Tasteless real life parallel. Oliver Wayne. Discount Maleficent. And Adam and Aisha, aka Mister and Miss Not-Appearing-In-This-Film. 

Mightily Murdered Power Ringers.

Seriously, when the 2017 Rita looks more badass than Goofy Scene Kid Rita in what's supposed to be a parody of grim and gritty remakes, you know you fucked up. 

With the new Ghostbusters movie looming over the horizon, I thought it would be appropriate to explain my issues with the writer-director, Paul Feig.

In my opinion, he's a hack who rips off material from other, better directors without contributing anything of his own. 
For example; The Heat is essentially the American version of Hot Fuzz, minus Simon Pegg, Edgar Wright or Nick Frost. Or anything even remotely clever. Than there's Spy, which is The Other Guys mixed with Johnny English. Again, without anything even remotely clever to contribute. The only original work he's done is Bridesmaids, and even than, that's debatable. He is not doing anything creative or unique, he's essentially reheating tired jokes from old Adam Sandler movies. Yet if Adam Sandler made a movie where his character had to cut open a woman's throat with a straw to stop her from choking, chances are the media would hunt him down to the ends of the Earth.

He's also a sleazy slacktivist who uses the excuse of an all-women cast to excuse laziness on his part as a writer. As if the mere fact that the characters he's writing happen to loosely resemble women, instead of being either unfunny cardboard cutouts, unfunny strawmen, or unfunny assholes we're supposed to root for. Even prior to his work on the new Ghostbusters movie, he seems to conflate criticism of his work with criticism of the actresses he works with. Why? Because accountability isn't up his alley when he can just cry 'misogynist' to shut up the critics. Yet, again, those same critics will call out Adam Sandler for writing about the same material. 

And than there's his irritating sense of smugness. In his movies, he usually depicts a strawman detractor to basically spout tired misogynistic rhetoric, just so that strawman character can either be killed off in a gruesome fashion, vanish into thin air, or be proven wrong. In The Heat, we had the Albino detective who keeps being singled out by our protagonists as a likely suspect...when it's evident that he's ironically more devoted to solving the crime than they are, and he ends up getting shot in the head by the end of the movie. In Spy, Jason Statham's character starts off as being the gruff 'women are only going to get in my way' James Bond type, only to than be revealed as a triple agent. Because heaven forbid our main characters get called out for mucking up on the job. 

So to conclude, Paul Feig wouldn't know good comedy if it kicked him squarely in the face. 

EDIT: Thanks to a commenter for clearing up a bit of misinformation on my part.
Greetings. For a while now, I've been inactive, unable to really access the internet that much. Well, that's because a lot's happened recently. I've got a new computer [one that doesn't crash all the friggin' time], and I've been offline several times because I've had to transfer files from the old computer onto my new one, and I've recently visited one of my friends in Kiama [which, given I'm living in Melbourne, is an eight hour drive to-and-from there].

That, and my router's petering out. But don't worry; as soon as I can, I'll be uploading a lot more content. I just hope my internet doesn't up and die in the near future.
 People, opportunities like this come once in a blue moon. Buy this game, dammit! This is one of the best JRPGs of this generation, if not THE best. Epic storyline, likable characters, a stellar voice cast, tons of replayability, and the best part? It's not a Gamestop exclusive! If you have a 3DS, buy this game. Give your money to these people.
I have an idea for how to adapt the Mass Effect franchise into a movie franchise. Namely by taking the same approach the Hobbit movies did by filming the first two entries simultaneously. But since the game had multiple endings and characters, the first two entries will be called Mass Effect; Paragon and Mass Effect; Renegade. Essentially they're the same movie, but with the main character taking different options by being either Space Jesus or Space Dirty Harry. Thus laying the groundwork for more entries in the franchise.  

If either of the first two entries are successful, than the second and third entries will follow the storyline and choices made in either Paragon or Renegade. But if both movies are successful, than have the second and third entries diverge radically to make two different trilogies. One called the Paragon trilogy, where Commander Shepard peacefully unites the warring alien races in time to stop the Reapers, and the other called the Renegade trilogy, where Shepard just plays judge, jury and executioner so that the ends justified the means.

What do you guys think? Could it work?
Sorry I was away for a few days. My internet was downed by a bunch of hungry rats.
1. The characters are inconsistent. For starters; In the Cybertron games, Grimlock is fairly based on his G1 appearance. Voiced by Gregg Berger, transforms into a T-Rex, has anger issues, etc; But in Robots in Disguise, he's a black and green klutz who was once a Decepticon and likes working as part of a team. This doesn't add up. Same goes for Sideswipe, who in the games fought during the Great War longer than Bumblebee has. Yet in RID, he's sporting a mohawk and is inexplicably younger and less experienced than Strongarm and Bumblebee. Seriously Hasbro, sort this continuity out. Because it's got more holes than Swiss Cheese.

2. The differing aesthetics makes me wonder if Primus has a short attention span. In the games, all Cybertronians are blocky G1 types with TRON lines. In Transformers Prime, they're heavily based on the movie's aesthetics. Yet in Robots in Disguise, the aesthetics look like something out of Dragon Booster, the Decepticons are all based on Earth animals [not even going to delve into how little sense that makes] and the Autobots are all humanoid. Ish. 

3. How long has it been since Transformers Prime ended? I have a hard time believing that Cybertron became a sprawling metropolis after the end of Predacons Rising, yet Bumblebee's arguably become a Prime, Strongarm and Sideswipe are younger than Bumblebee, and human civilisation doesn't seem to have advanced in what I presume to be 50 years. Otherwise, this makes no sense.
Greetings, this is TeiOuja, back with another Beating Lyrics Journal. Now this one's a little special. Over the past couple of entries, I've been covering the 21st century equivalent of this: Except without any humour, subtlety or comedic talent. But now we're going to look at the other, more annoying end of the pop cultural spectrum. The SJWs. Now, before we get started, I'll need to get out my little disclaimer:

Trigger Warnings Aren't Real. Stop Pretending That They Are.

Since Christmas is coming around the corner, I guess you can call this an early Christmas Gift for my main man, :iconbluemagus:. Today's song is by a man called Jonathan Mann. Also known as the GameJew. It's called 'Are Video Games Sexist? Auto-Tune Rebuttal'. Oh boy.

Before we begin, I'm going to cut out the bits including Christina Hoff Summers. Namely because they're much too intelligent for me to top. 

Text: Trigger Warning:

For some really disgusting tweets towards the end of this video.

Translation: Here are a few tweets coming from Men Rights' Activists that I'll manipulate into being strawman representations of Gamer culture. Please buy my songs.

Those are two different ideas and the title of your video is: Are Video Games Sexist? And I don’t think you answer this. You cite two studies but they’re both about how many women play games. That doesn’t address sexism at all so find some other studies to back up your claims.

Actually, Jonny-boy, according to Anita Sarkeesian, violence in video games can often be associated with sexism in video games. Though by that logic, Mario must have a very twisted domestic life.

Misogyny and violence: Two separate issues. This conflates them.

Yes, but you're missing the point. Yes Misogyny and Violence are two different issues, but they can often converge to create issues like Domestic Violence. 

You’re talking about violence, I thought we were talking about sexism…

Hey, jackass. If you pay close attention, you'll realise that Mrs. Sommers is actually elaborating on her points by bringing up parallels to other arguments. You know. Actually giving a shit about presenting an argument.

Ad hominem. Ad hominem.

Repetition, repetition. Also, you don't know what that term means, do you? An ad hominem is when someone tries to win an argument by insulting another person. I don't recall Mrs. Sommers calling people like you spacky shit-munching babies.


Which points?

That Video Games are often aimed at different demographics, perhaps? Oh wait. Silly me. I forgot that I'm not talking to a calm and rational person. I'm talking to a strawman created by a talentless twit who wouldn't know comedy if it ran him over with Santa's Sleigh.


Please point them out.

Perhaps you should watch the video in full instead of swimming in an ocean of ad revenue made from your crappy song. With earplugs shoved up your ears.


You wanna talk cheery picking? Just because there are a few, triple A games with female protagonists that aren’t about their boobs, doesn’t negate the fact that most AAA games are full of sexist tropes. That’s what “hipster culture critics” say, less sexism is the hope. Oh.

Portal, Portal 2, Half-Life 2, Bloodrayne, the Metroid series, Beyond Good And Evil, Bayonetta, some of the later Final Fantasy games, many Western-style RPGs, Mirror's Edge, the Barbie games, Remember Me, Lollipop Chainsaw, some of the Resident Evil games, The Last of Us, The Walking Dead Telltale Series, Silent Hill 3. Yes, those games are ONLY about their protagonists' boobs. Not their characteristics, not their gameplay, nope. Only T&A. Because apparently the only female-centered game you've ever played is Dead Or Alive; Extreme Volleyball. And it's not like Video Games are a successful market with multiple demographics. Or have games that appeal to different people. No, all Video Games are only blood-soaked grimdark male fantasies.


Sooooo. What you’re saying is that games are sexist? And that boys will be boys? I suppose that’s one way to look at it. Well, me? I want more choice.

And that's fine. Make your own damn games. Innovate in areas that haven't been explored yet. Don't whine and moan on the internet about how AAA games only focus on one demographic. Also, rhyming 'Boys' with 'Choice'. I thought this was supposed to be a song, not a speech set to a crappy soft-rock instrumental and autotune.


Nobody said it made you sexist, racist, or homophobic.

No, but that's what you and Anita Sarkeesian constantly imply every time you try shaming people based on non-existent white male privilege like it's the bloody 1920s'.

TOTALLY SWEET GUITAR BREAK

For god's sake, is this a music video or some lazy music video made on Windows Movie Maker by some 14 year-old idiot? The point of a music video is to show unique visuals while the music is playing or present a story to go along with the music. This is just an amateur slideshow with mini-GameJews that rip off Army of Darkness. And how I wish Bruce Campbell could crash through your set and clonk you on the head for being an unfunny twit.


False equivalence. False equivalence.

Stop doing that, stop doing that! It's very annoying, very annoying!


What gamers did you talk to? What’s this about “data”, you say? Do you have “data” that says a lotta games aren’t sexist? Are you gonna show us that “data” today?

Once again, Triple A Games are meant for an audience of young adult males. Just because you see scantily clad women in video games doesn't mean they're all vile misogynistic demons out to corrupt people's souls. Seriously, replace the word 'Misogynistic' with 'Not Christian' and you get the same arguments brought up by Sarah Palin. Maybe we wouldn't be angry at you lot if you actually start providing actual points instead of covering everything in a pink sheet and yelling 'FEMINISM!!!1!!!' every five seconds like you're trying to catch the Holy Ghost.

[I'm skipping the tweets because they serve absolutely no point in the song except to shock the audience into complying with this sheep's tactics.]

No! We will not stand down.

:iconyesplz: See? Just because I can quote memes doesn't mean it makes an effective argument.


No! We will not stand down. Wooo… No! We will not stand down. Wooo… No! We will not stand down. Wooo… No! We will not stand down. Wooo…

Hate to break it to you, 'GameJew', but this isn't the 1700s' and you are not George Fucking Washington. Sitting on your arse and screaming about feminism is not the same as actually doing something to enlighten the so-called 'sexist' Game Industry. If you want to include more female protagonists, fine. If you want more diverse games, fine. But calling everyone who doesn't automatically agree with you sexist neckbeards doesn't make anyone want to be on your side. If anything, it makes people like you look like a cunt.

And that's how the cookie crumbles. 


Here's the song itself:  
You know, I thought that Rise and Shine was bad. Like, it was the worst song I have ever reviewed so far. Clearly Young Money thought pissing me off would be a good idea. Congratulations, mates. You have officially reached the point of no return. At least BOTDF tried to tackle the issue of bullying somewhat seriously. This?

It's a song about Nicki bragging about having sex with multiple people and how much money she has. With Chris Brown, Drake and Lil Wayne all joining in. And Nazi Imagery, because why the hell not at this point? Let's get this trainwreck started. 

[Verse 1: Nicki Minaj]

Yo, I never fucked Wayne, I never fucked Drake
On my life, man, fuck's sake


Casual profanity, the mark of being an adult. Also, if you're going to make a standard bragging song, at least put some effort into rhyming, Nicki. 

If I did I menage with 'em and let 'em eat my ass like a cupcake
My man full, he just ate, I don't duck nobody but tape

.......

Yeah, that was a set up for a punchline on duct tape

Your joke was bad, and you should feel bad.

Worried 'bout if my butt's fake
Worry 'bout yall niggas, us straight


This is the equivalent of a five year old passing on the blame for being caught with his hand in a cookie jar. Nicki, you are 31 years old. Not five. Please grow up.

These girls are my sons, John and Kate plus eight
When I walk in, sit up straight, I don't give a fuck if I was late
Dinner with my man on a G5 is my idea of an update


And good taste takes another bullet to the rectum. Nicki, I know you're trying to stay relevant, and I get that. But how about try writing a song that isn't just you bragging about money and sex for the gazillionth time? Oh wait, this is a Young Money production. Good taste and originality are irrelevant. Just keep increasing the gap between the rich and the poor. It worked in the 1930s'.

Hut one, hut two, big bitties, big butt too
Fuck with them real niggas who don't tell niggas what they up to


-sighs- I miss Disco Duck already.

Had to show bitches where the top is, ring finger where the rock is
These hoes couldn't test me even if their name was pop quiz


Please, Nicki. Stop trying to be a comedian. You SUCK.

Bad bitches who I fuck with, mad bitches we don't fuck with
I don't fuck with them chickens unless they last name is cutlet
Let it soak in like seasonin'
And tell 'em, tell 'em blow me, Lance Stephenson

And yet another Basketball-related namedrop in a Young Money song! Because that's not irritating or anything. You know, I wouldn't be surprised if Young Money's next single has them burning crosses and dressing up like the KKK. They're about as progressive as this song.

[Hook: Chris Brown]

Raise every bottle and cup in the sky
Sparks in the air like the fourth of July


Fourth of July and bombs exploding. The height of symbolism in R&B since brains on frying pans.

Nothing but bad bitches in here tonight
Oh, if you lame and you know it be quiet


I am good taste. Hear me call you a cunt.

Nothing but real niggas only, bad bitches only
Rich niggas only, independent bitches only
Boss niggas only, thick bitches only
I got my real niggas here by my side, only


We. Get. The. Point. Please. Stop. Saying. You're. Rich. I feel like a broken record here. Bragging about your monetary gain is about as important for your listeners to hear as radio static.

[Verse 2: Drake]

I never fucked Nicki cause she got a man
But when that's over then I'm first in line


Racism, sexism and bad jokes, oh my!

And the other day in her Maybach
I thought god damn, this is the perfect time


Did I mention how boring these lyrics are? This is like a checklist on how to make a focus group-approved rap song. List partying. Fast cars. Alcohol. Lots of Sex. Brag about money. And similar topics that make my eyes almost glaze over because of how predictable, boring and formulaic these lyrics are. Throw in as much shock imagery as possible, this song is still incredibly bland, boring and unimaginative. 

We had just come from that video
You know LA traffic, how the city slow
She was sitting down on that big butt
But I was still staring at the titties though


Ha. Ha. Ha.  It's funny because he is a rapper and he gets laid a lot. This is utterly painful to listen to.

Yeah, lowkey it may be high key
I been peeped that you like me, you know
Who the fuck you really wanna be with besides me?
I mean, it doesn’t take much for us to do this shit quietly


Self-awareness isn't funny if the rest of the song is played straight. This is songwriting 101.

I mean, she say I’m obsessed with thick women and I agree
Yeah, that’s right, I like my girls BBW, yeah
Type to wanna suck you dry and then eat some lunch with you


Is this song over yet? It's only 5 minutes long, yet it feels like I've been listening to it for 5 hours. This is the most soul-crushingly tedious song I've ever heard. At least Video Games was interesting in it's badness. This is just tedious and repetitive.

Yeah, so thick that everybody else in the room is so uncomfortable
Ass on Houston Texas, but the face look just like Clair Huxtable
Oh, yeah, you the man in the city when the mayor fuck with you
The NBA players fuck with you
The bad ass bitches doing makeup and hair fuck with you


Drake, you are not badass. You are a bland pretty boy copying your mentor word-for-word. Please stop trying to portray yourself as a thug. You're about as thuglike as Gerald Milton.

Oh, that’s cause I believe in something, I stand for it

Prove it, baldy.

And Nicki if you ever tryna fuck
Just give me the heads up so I can plan for it


And we end his part of the song with a bad sex joke. I thought Lesbehonest was bad, but that was just painful.

[Verse 3: Lil' Wayne]

I never fucked Nicki and that's fucked up

Ahem. Genius, you're the one who bragged about having sex with Hilary Clinton. You saying something is fucked up is like Donald Trump complaining about how fake someone's hairpiece is. Oh god, this song is so dull and painful I'm ripping off material from other, better reviewers. 

If I did fuck she'd be fucked up
Whoever is hittin' ain't hittin' it right


Domestic abuse. Because Nazis.

Cause she actin' like she need dick in her life
That's another story, I'm no story teller


Why start now? At least it'd be as coherent as this song.

I piss greatness like gold is yellow
All my goons so overzealous


Rhyming yellow with overzealous. :iconrageplz: YOU TALENTLESS, THICK-HEADED, BALLSACK-WEARING, THUNDERCUNT! BUY A FUCKING SONGWRITING TUTOR AND LEARN. BASIC. RHYMING!!! :iconcalmplz: ....Proceed.

I'm from Holly Groove, the holy Mecca
Calender say I got money for days
I squirm and I shake, but I'm stuck in my ways
My girlfriend will beat a bitch up if she wave


Yet more misogyny. Look, I get that people hate Anita Sarkeesian. I do too. But when asshats like this tosser says these things on the air and still has female fans, I can't help but wonder if Anita is actually right about there actually being a rape culture.

They bet not fuck with her surfboard, surfboard

Goody, more repetition, repetition. It's like Lollipop never ended, ended. 

My eyes are so bright, I take cover for shade

....sure, why not? At this point, I'd settle for him being a reptile from space. Makes about as much sense as anything this talentless tosser spouts out of his repugnant gob.

Don't have my money? I take mothers instead

No thanks, we already had a movie about aliens nabbing mothers.

You got the hiccups, you swallowed the truth
Then I make you burp, boy, treat beef like sirloin


:iconbatmanplz: "I'm the greatest detective in the world, and I can't understand a thing this gibbering moron is saying."

I'm talkin' bout runnin' in houses with army guns

Thug posturing. Again. And like Ted Nugent, I have a feeling that in an actual firefight, Lil Wayne would drop his pants and surrender immediately. 

So think about your son and daughter rooms
Got two hoes with me, messed up, they got smaller guns


You keep reminding me of Ted Nugent, Wayne. Like you're part of the same alien race. Or you could both just be pants-on-head retarded, that works too.

Ain't thinkin' bout your son and daughter rooms

Make up your mind, you babbling idiot!

This is just crazy my nigga, I mean brazy, my nigga
That money talk, I just rephrase it, my nigga
Blood gang take the B out behavior, my nigga


Martin Luther King would hate your guts, Wayne.

Fucking for reals if you mouth off I blow your face off

Try it, mate. 

I mean pop-pop-pop then I take off

No, most likely you'd just call me gay over Skype and make three shitty rap songs about your feelings being hurt by words on a computer screen.

Now you see me, now you don't

:iconinvisiblemanplz: "Oh please. I've been at the invisibility game long before you were conceived."

Like Jamie Foxx acting like Ray Charles

You don't get to namedrop a famous Black actor known for playing strong Black protagonists in a song about material wealth and Nazism. 

16 in a clip, one in the chamber
17 ward bully with 17 bullets


Guns, sex, drugs, money. If this wanker learned about Earth through playing GTA, it wouldn't surprise me.

My story is how I went from poor me
To police pour me a drink and celebrate with me


And with any luck, you'll die poor. So you can at least have a modicum of modesty drilled into that thick head of yours. I realise how much in bad taste that line was, but if he doesn't care about people who died during the Black Civil Rights Movement, than why should I care about this brainless waste of space ceasing to exist?

[skipping]

And that's how the cookie crumbles. For obvious reasons, I will not be talking about the video in question, since there isn't really anything I can add without repeating everyone else on the internet with a functioning brain cell. In fact, here is an article that criticises the video better than I ever could hope: www.billboard.com/articles/col…

Now, my thoughts on this trainwreck. To Nicki Minaj, I hope you learn something from this and start acting like an adult. To Chris Brown, your presence on this song is like a rotten cheeseburger sitting next to a barrel of toxic waste. To Drake, quit Young Money and be your own person. Copying your mentor is going to get you killed eventually. To Lil Wayne? ....I've pretty much said my piece. But to the people behind this song, I have this to say. Shame on you. This song is everything wrong with the slop I've reviewed. Boring instrumental, horrendous lyrics, phoned-in singing, a revolting message, and a complete lack of any effort. To think that you could tie a song this mediocre to one of the most disastrous events in human history, let alone release it one week prior to the day the Final Solution came into effect [thus showing you have no dignity whatsoever], is absolutely disgusting. 

Here's the music video: 

Welcome back. In the last entry, I talked about everyone's favorite 'controversial' Prissy Faux-Rock band; Blood On The Dance Floor. Since they failed at making a club song, which I didn't think was possible, considering that formula consisting of the words 'Drink', 'Party', 'YOLO', or any variation of the previous three is so permanently engrained in the music industry that any attempt to make a song covering different subject material might cause the typical audience for these songs [represented here by Patrick Starfish :iconpatrickplz:] to experience internal hemorrhaging from having to think about said material. Especially if it contains the ridiculous notion that actions have consequences, and if one acts like a drunken, raving sexist twat 24/7, it may end up NOT getting them laid and instead might result in them getting a restraining order. Insert They Live joke here.

Anyway, speaking of soapboxes, today we'll be looking at one of BOTDF's more 'inspirational' songs. And I use that term very loosely. See, the Slash/Gash Terror Crew frequently cite these walking chemical plants as being inspirational, specifically some of them that cite the band for saving them from committing suicide. I honestly wish I was making this up. As a little disclaimer, this review isn't going to be about depression or suicide. I am neither qualified to talk about these very serious issues, nor do I criticise those who go through these experiences. If you want to learn more about these very serious issues, I recommend checking these links: www.webmd.com/depression/ss/sl… www.webmd.com/depression/ss/sl… www.webmd.com/depression/guide… www.helpguide.org/articles/dep…

With that out of the way, let's get on with this review. This is the infamous anti-bullying song 'Rise and Shine'. 

Since the majority of this song's infamy comes from it's music video, let's first talk about that so we can understand the context of this song.

We start out in a typical American high school, as the soft keys of a piano play in the background to set the dire mood. The camera is primarily located in four spots; a locker room, a football field, a classroom and a school hallway. 

At fifteen seconds in, we see an entire class of students jeering at the supposed protagonist of this music video. But we don't hear the students over the almost overbearingly dark atmosphere. And herein lies the first problem of this song. Manipulation. Instead of actually setting the mood, the music video relies on painting everyone except our protagonist and the two members of the band as being either unsympathetic or uncaring. I know that sometimes bullying can go unnoticed, but this is taking place in a packed classroom of around 20 people, including the teacher. It's not subtle, in fact it constantly beats you over the head with the song's message. Instead of actually using this brief period in the video to let us hear what the students are saying or having someone in the class actually stand up for this person [who by the way is a skinny normal-looking teenager with the word 'antihero' emblazoned on his chest], the song repeatedly beats you over the head with the theme. It's disturbing, and not in an effective way. 

Anyway. The kids' bullying eventually has the protagonist storm out of the classroom to escape the jeering crowd, just as Dahvie's singing accentuates the already dreary mood. But the crowd doesn't seem to want to leave the protagonist alone, basically chasing him all over the school. They push him against the drink fountain. Basically push this kid over the edge, until we see him cradling a pistol in the locker room. Images of blood and news reports briefly flash on the screen, as if this kid's being slowly driven to insanity. Finally, he snaps, just as tasteless imagery of school shootings flash on the screen and the bodies of dead teenagers lay sprawled around on the floor.

The second problem is that the video seems to be playing in slow motion, trying to make the story look more like a documentary or a film. But instead of making the video look cinematic, scenes drag on longer than they need to. I get if it's supposed to have emotional impact, but that impact is lost when the protagonist shoots at the people around him in the hallway. This, combined with brief flashes of a shadowy figure carrying around a machete, just makes the video seem disjointed. This is particularly noticeable in the classroom, especially when the protagonist is emotionally pushed over the edge. Again, had this scene play out naturally, or had the teacher intervened, it would look more believable. 

After the shooting spree, we see brief images of adults standing in front of a blackboard. On one frame, the blackboard says  'Where are we'. In another, it says 'No-one's listening'. And when it cuts back to the classroom, we see several of the students holding guns to their heads whilst looking at the camera, including one shot of the protagonist placing the gun in his mouth. And what do we see on the blackboard after that one shot? The line 'I Will Not Listen To Blood On the Dance Floor' scrawled all over the blackboard. 

When the song ends, we see the protagonist waking up on his desk, before looking around to see the rest of the class sitting still. He than covertly places the gun back into his backpack, as if it was all a dream. Than it cuts to black, as text on the screen quotes information about how many children are bullied daily at school, especially LGBT students, and how that affects them. Including how adult intervention is 4%, peer intervention is 11% and no intervention is 85% And than it ends with a quote. "I thank everyone that has caused me to suffer, without you I would have no reason to express myself. Through mercy and compassion we can end all suffering". 

Now let's listen to the lyrics.

Rain Rain won't go away
Cloud on my head every single day
This pain pain goes right inside
Breaking me down till' I just cry


Quoting a nursery rhyme doesn't make your song any more poignant, Dahvie.

Little Bully wants to play
Hits me every single day
Pain, pain go right inside
Guess I'll just have to let it slide


Presuming you're speaking from the protagonist's point of view, letting this pain slide is the worst thing you can do. He should tell his parents or his teacher about the problem. Or confide in a psychologist. Either way, seeking help is a valid option instead of keeping that pain inside you. 

Drain drain all my life
Why can't I just stop this strife
Rain rain, won't go away
Cloud on my head every single day


More pointlessly dark imagery. You see where I'm getting at? 

Beat on another kid
But not on me
Rain rain won't go away
Cloud on my head every single day


Hoping the bully picks on someone else isn't wise. Again, seek help.

These games games that you play
Eventually I'll get up and say
No, no not this time
I'm taking back what is mine


:iconslowclapplz: Bravo, Dahvie Vanity. You've made your protagonist into the same violent little shit you portray in every other song. Violence is not strength and compassion is not weakness, mate. 

[The Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.:]
"With this faith
We will be able to transform the jangling discords
Of our nation into a beautiful symphony
Of brotherhood.
With this faith
We will be able to work together,
To pray together,
To struggle together,
To go to jail together,
To stand up for freedom together,
Knowing that we will be able
To sing with new meaning."


I'm sorry if I'm skimming over your quoting, Dahvie, but I don't believe you've earned the right to borrow a quote from an actual philosopher. Martin Luther King Jr, if he had been alive today, would want nothing to do with you or your antics. And I'm also sorry that I'm not taking your little quote seriously, considering you said this:

"To everybody who backstabbed you, *points to girl off sidestage* Fuck you, you stupid bitch! Yeah, we're giving you this middle finger because we hate your guts! And we hope you die a slow death. So fuck you, you slut!'" December 8th, 2012. Studio Seven- Seattle, WA

Yeah, you might want to check over your own words before using the words of a dead person-someone who fought for equal rights and who died for his belief in a country where blacks and whites lived together in harmony without prejudice- to justify your little snuff song about how wrong bullying is. Considering you've done the exact same thing. 

Stand up
And take what's mine
Insecurities
Is what you're trying to hide
I don't care
For the things that you say
I know that you're just one step away
From breaking down
Pick yourself up off the ground
I know that you are better than this


The irony here is astounding. Need I remind you of the music video and how it seemed to glorify the protagonist gunning down not only the people who bullied him, but also his friends and family? Oh wait, that was just a dream. My mistake. Please, carry on with your pretentious little song.

Open your eyes
Now is the time
To rise up
With darkness we'll still shine
Idolized and Despised
Wrong or right
We'll make it through to the other side

Again, Dahvie, need I bring up the Studio Side quote? Or you getting an underage fan of yours drunk and than screwing her? Or even comparing yourself to Spiderman despite all the heinous shite you've sung about? You see where I'm getting at, Dahvie? Normally I don't personally call out artists, but I'm making an exception for you. Fuck you, Dahvie. Fuck you and your pretentious, condescending attitude. You can take your little 'message' and stick it where the sun doesn't shine. I hope you step on a lego brick in the middle of the night.

And that's how the cookie crumbles. This is perhaps the worst song I have ever had the misfortune to review. It's not just because it includes screamo at random intervals, interrupting the song's flow. It's not just the droning instrumental that beats you over the head with it's dark tone. It's not just the insultingly childish lyrics. It's not even the random quotes from individuals like Martin Luther King Jr. It's that it has nothing of substance to offer anyone. It is crass, cheap and manipulative, offering no hope or substance to take away from the song other than 'Bullying is bad'. Nothing else. Just 'Bullying is bad'. No insight into the protagonist's mental health. No warmth or sense of humanity to balance the dark mood. Just shock value and nothing else. It uses imagery of school shootings to make itself feel important. It frames everyone as being less than human. It offers no hope for anyone involved. And above all else, it uses said material to shield itself from criticism, treating that material in the most childish way possible. No, Dahvie. You have to treat that material like an adult. Offer solutions to the problem. Tell the full story. Give us insight into the character's mind, other than misusing the words of someone far more intelligent just to make yourself feel important, or framing it like a nonsensical diary entry. Give us something more substantial than just 'Bullying is bad'. Overall, this is a pretentious, sloppy mess of a song. I hate everything about this mean-spirited drivel, and I hope that Dahvie eventually stops acting like the bully he claims to be against and starts living up to the meaning that he himself coined. PLUR; Peace. Love. Unity. And respect.

Here's the song itself:
 
Greetings, this is TeiOuja, back with another Beating Lyrics Journal. Sorry I haven't been working on more of these lately, but I couldn't find the right material. Namely because most new songs tend to be either A) Partying Douchebro/Douchette Anthems, B) Pretentious Dross, or C) The 21st Century Equivalent to this: . But I'm back now, and boy do I have a treat for you. It's Halloween, and I've found the perfect group to tear apart on this spookiest of holidays. Ladies, Gentlemen and others, welcome to Scream For My Ice Cream. By everyone's favorite 'controversial' Prissy Faux-Rock band; BOTDF.

She's Melting [x2]

Autotune and repetition, my two 'favorite' pop cliches. And within the first two seconds. :iconohdearplz: This is going to be a long one.

Oh Oh Oh
She licked me like Ice Cream...


And there's your title, everyone! Comparing blowjobs to licking ice cream. I thought Miley Cyrus owned the monopoly of awkwardly crowbarring childish themes into adult imagery, but Dahvie Vanity [brilliant name by the way] has beaten her to that illustrious position.

Dippin' with my dipper,
We be drinkin' up the liquor.


Didn't I cover a song that talked about this dumbass message? Also, rhyming dipper with liquor. Truly this man is the Bob Dylan of our times. Though to be fair, they both have the same vocal range.

Party like a birthday,
Shake it like an earthquake.


Those words don't even remotely rhyme.

Meltin' like an Ice Cream cone,
Goin' for her danger zone.


Kenny Loggins, eat your heart out. 

Go and suck my Lolli
Pop...
Sugar sweet,
Cherry topped.
For sure fit,
Too legit,
Hot Spot,
Twirk it, bitch!
Strip it down,
Work it up,
Baby let me fill you're cups.
O
To the M
To the F
To the G
Sticky
Messy,
Taste my treat.


How is this band different from every other pop band? OMFG? Twerking? Another fucking blowjob reference? For pete's sake, Dahvie, use whatever brain cells you have left and please stop resorting to the same stupid cliches that's featured in every modern Miley Cyrus or LMFAO song ever made. This is not even remotely interesting to listen to, and the droning beat doesn't make it any more bearable to stomach.

[Chorus]
But I love it when you...

Scream For My IceCream,
Tell me all you're dirty dreams.
Scream For My IceCream,
Show me what's your fantasies.
[X2]


:iconfacepalmplz: This is why I listen to Frank Sinatra. This chorus is just painful to listen to. Oh, and pro tip; screamo is not your best friend. Didn't work for Brokencyde, and it certainly won't work for your dance song.

Let's
Get this party started
Drink
Til we get retarded


Didn't you learn anything from Fergie? Oh, and using 'retarded' to describe getting tanked is very rich coming from the braintrusts that thought screamo would mix well with autotune.

She licked me like I'm Ice Cream...

Okay, that's enough. Every time this song mentions Ice Cream as an innuendo, take a shot. Because this gimmick is getting really old really quickly.

What the fuck?
You know that we do it rough


A rare glimpse into the writing process for this song.

Move your feet
To the beat
With this shit
This song's complete

I flerking wish. 

Move your body super sweet
Always like an ice cream treat


Move over, Shakespeare. This brainiac just outclassed you. Have I mentioned this song is painful to read yet?

Got a monster in my pants,
And if I ever get the chance,
Gonna cram it down your throat,
Watch you gasp for air and choke.


The band that gave us the acronym PLUR [Peace, Love, Respect and Unity], everyone.

I'm gonna jizz all in you're face!
I'm gonna wreck this fuckin' place!
Pull my hair,
Smash the chair,
Break the bed,
And give me head!


I haven't seen this much faux-thug posturing since Fred Durst. These lyrics are barely above the grandiose standard of your average troll argument in the Youtube Comment Section.

[Skipping the rest of this song because it's basically a rehash of the previous terrible lyrics.]

LET'S,
GET THIS PARTY STARTED!
DRINK,
'TILL WE GET RETARDED!!!


Flark screamo and flark anyone that flarking thinks that this dead flarking musical style flarking deserves to stay flarking relevant, you flarking hack! 

ShE's MeLtInG...

A HA HA! !! !!!.....

And that's how the cookie crumbles. This song was just painful. 
I've a feeling we'll be seeing Dahvie again very soon.

But before I leave you, I have to address this inevitable argument; haters make you famous. Hate is not beneficial to one's reputation. Negative reception or press can and will destroy anyone in the industry. If we didn't have hatred or negative criticism, than we'd all be seeing Garbage Pail Kids 4; the Search for Fashion. Oh, and please don't say 'You're just jealous because they make more money than your poor ass' to defend this group. One's monetary gain is not always a sign of one's quality as an artist, a creator or as a personality. It's an irrelevant argument that doesn't hold water in any situation. 

Here's the song itself, if you really want to scream flark at the screen over and over: